Indians Buy California
|March 25, 2002||Posted by Staff under Archive, Progress Report, The Progress Report|
UNA BUYS CALIFORNIA, LAND RUSH BEGINS
United Native Americans (UNA) are proud to announce that it has bought the state of California from the whites and is throwing it open to Indian settlement. UNA bought California from three winos found wandering in San Francisco. UNA determined that the winos were the spokesmen for the white people of California. These winos promptly signed the treaty, which was written in Sioux, and sold California for three cases of wine, one bottle of gin, and four cases of beer.
Lehman L. Brightman, the Commissioner of Caucasion Affairs, has announced the following new policies: The Indians hereby give the whites four large reservations of ten acres each at the following locations: Death Valley, The Utah Salt Flats, The Badlands of South Dakota, and the Yukon in Alaska. These reservations shall belong to the whites “for as long as the sun shines or the grass grows” (or until the Indians want it back.) All land on the reservations, of course, will be held in trust for the whites by the Bureau of Caucasion Affairs, and any white who wants to use his land in any way must secure permission from Commissioner Brightman. Of course, whites will be allowed to sell handicrafts at stands by the highway.
Each white will be provided annually with one blanket, one pair of tennis shoes, a supply of Spam, and a copy of The Life of Crazy Horse. If you are competent enough, you may be able to be a BCA reservation superintendent. Applicants must have less than one year of education, must not speak English, must have an authoritarian personality, proof of dishonesty, and a certificate of incompetence. No Whites need apply.
Commissioner Brightman also announced the founding of four boarding schools, to which white youngsters will be sent at the age of six (6). “We want to take those kids far away from the backward culture of their parents,” he said. The schools will be located on Alcatraz Island; the Florida Everglades; Point Barrow, Alaska; and Hong Kong. All courses will be taught in Indian languages,and there will be demerits for anyone caught speaking English. All students arriving at the school will immediately be given IQ tests to determine their understanding of Indian Language and hunting skills.
Hospitals will be established for the reservations as follows: Whites at Death Valley may go to the Bangor, Maine Hospital; those at the Utah Salt Flats may go to Juneau, Alaska Hospital; those at the Yukon may go to the Miami Beach Hospital; and those at the Badlands may go to the Hospital in Honolulu, Hawaii. Each hospital will have a staff of two part-time doctors and a part-time chiropractor who have all passed first aid tests. And each hospital will be equipped with a scalpel, a jack knife, a saw, a modern tourniquet, and a large bottle of aspirin.
In honor of the whites, many cities, street cars, and products will be given traditional white names. A famous Indian movie director has even announced that in his upcoming film, Custer’s Last Stand, he will use many actual whites to play the parts of soldiers, speaking real English, although, of course, the part of Custer will be played by noted Indian actor Wes Studi. Certain barbaric white customs will, of course, not be allowed.
Whites will not be allowed to practice their heathen religions, and will be required to attend Indian ceremonies. Missionaries will be sent from each tribe to convert the whites on the reservations. White churches will either be made into amusement parks or museums or will be torn down and the bricks and ornaments sold as souvenirs and curiosities. Anglo cemetaries will be deconstructed and all artifacts will be housed in museums. Skeletal remains of Anglos will be put on display and their skulls will be studied, measured, scrutinized, and analyzed so that Indian people can determine just what is wrong with white people. White cemetery land will be distributed among people wishing to build roller skating rinks and stop-and-rob stores.
There will be two separate but distinct legal and judicial systems: one for Indians and one for whites but Indians will hold all the judicial seats, legislative seats, and will staff all police and fire departments. Whites can become police officers and fire fighters on their designated reservations but can only act in minor roles. Legal and judicial authority comes directly from the Bureau of Caucasian Affairs.
Several holidays will be developed to honor White people’s contributions to society. To further honor them corporations and schools will be encouraged to develop pageants, festivals, sporting events, and for-profit items that can carry the images and names of the White people. Educational books (history, archeology, paleontology, astronomy, medicine, music, literature, art, etc.) will reflect the many contributions of White people on pages 1, 2, and part of page 3 of every book. The rest of the pages will focus strictly on Indian history and contributions.
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