Foldvary: Zero Tolerance for Bare Lemon Bumps!
|February 16, 2004||Posted by Staff under Progress Report, The Progress Report|
Zero Tolerance for Bare Lemon Bumps!
by Fred E. Foldvary, Senior Editor
Millions of Americans were shocked, outraged, and horrified when singer Janet Jackson performed during the big game, and her dance partner, evidently to her surprise and dismay, bared her breast. She wore an small ornament over the central part, but nevertheless the exposure incited many thousands of aghast Americans to complain.
Quickly the authorities reacted with fines and new broadcast restrictions to nip any such future offenses. The greater wrong here was really not the exposure but the apparent act of aggression against an unwilling victim.
Also the entire performance was, it seems, quite vulgar and inappropriate for a general audience of millions, where watchers may not know that such goings on will go on. But the public and the authorities focused on the bare exposure.
This incident has galvanized a number of bureaucrats who were otherwise happily shuffling papers, issuing regulations, and flying to important conferences in the Virgin Islands. In particular, the official in charge of the zero tolerance policy of the War Against Terror was aroused to action. He is affectionately called ‘captain zero’ by the chiefs of the bureau for his zealous ‘give the weeds an inch, and they’ll take the yard’ pursuit of the slightest transgression.
Soon after the breast incident, Captain Zero was in a grocery store and strolled by the lemons. He glanced at the display of fruit, and was going to move on, when he came to a halt. ‘Wait a minute,’ he thought. ‘Did I see nipples on those lemons, or am I imagining things?’ He took a close look at the lemons. He picked one up and examined it carefully. Why, indeed, the lemon had a nipple on one end. He alarmingly realized that all lemons have bumps on one end that look just like women’s nipples!
A family nearby was looking at some oranges and turned to the lemons to select one. A little girl picked up one of the lemons, much to the horror of Captain Zero. My goodness, he thought, here are those obscene lemons in plain view of everybody, even children! ‘No, no’ he said, taking the lemon from her little hand. ‘Get away from those lemons! Don’t look at them!’
Upset, he abandoned his grocery cart and rushed to his office. Within an hour, he had written new regulations for lemons. ‘Ha!’ he thought. ‘Who says bureaucrats are lazy? It’s not true! I’m working hard and very efficiently here, for the benefit of the public!’
It took only a bit of legal research for him to make a connection with the War Against Terror. Exposing a female breast or even worse corporal locations terrifies the public. It is body terrorism that falls under the Patriotic Act and War Against Terror. The new zero-tolerance rules would require all sellers of lemons to cover the bump with an opaque material, such as round band aids, unless they are displayed in an adults-only environment and the entrance clearly states that there are uncovered lemons on display. The same regulations apply to limes.
Some civil libertarians cried out against the policy of zero tolerance for bare lemon bumps, but a public opinion poll showed that a strong majority of Americans supported Captain Zero’s crusade. When asked, ‘Do you approve of obscene displays in grocery stores of images that look like women’s nipples?’ 79.6 percent said no, with a statistical tolerance of 4.5 percent.
Some ministers thought this was maybe going a little too far, since, after all, God created lemons. Would God create something obscene? But other men of the cloth said otherwise. These preachers cited passages in scripture which indicated that while God and his spirit created human beings in their image, the female breast was actually created by Satan. (Except maybe for the top part, which may be shown as cleavage, although proper ladies should avoid this.) Likewise, although God created lemons, Satan came along later and added that obscene bump!
‘That lemon bump serves no purpose!’ exclaimed Captain Zero. ‘It is not eaten. It does not help the lemon reproduce. Clearly, its only function is to offensively remind people of the obscenity of the Satanic female breast. It is a proper function of the government to fight terror wherever it appears. The liberty of the American people is at stake!’
Unfortunately, some teenagers have not realized the seriousness of the lemon problem, and have taken delight in removing band aids from lemons in grocery stores. Some stores have stopped selling lemons entirely. Some bare lemons were sold by Internet auction companies, but the major sellers have now banned such sales. Recently, Captain Zero proudly reported that one of America’s allies on the War Against Terror has also banned bare lemons: the Democratic Republic of Quierro-dinero, which also sent three soldiers to Iraq.
Farmers and people who have lemon trees will be required to hide the trees with a high fence. Economists have estimated that the zero-tolerance for bare lemons policy will cost the American economy 800 million dollars per year in added expenses and reduced sales. In an era where the federal government has an annual deficit greater than a half trillion dollars, is a few hundred million a small price to pay to keep our country free from lemon terror? You decide!
Copyright 2004 by Fred E. Foldvary. All rights reserved. No part of this material may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, which includes but is not limited to facsimile transmission, photocopying, recording, rekeying, or using any information storage or retrieval system, without giving full credit to Fred Foldvary and The Progress Report.
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