Editorial
Zero-Tolerance for Brainy Cannabis!
by Fred E. Foldvary, Senior EditorThe U.S. government's secret plan to eliminate brainy cannabis was recently leaked to the press, and I have been able to obtain a full copy of the report, except for a coffee stain in one section.
It is a widely known fact and not a secret that the human brain produces chemicals that are very similar to cannabis, the active ingredient in marijuana. Because no U.S. scientist would dare to make to such a discovery, this was left to the Israelis, and indeed, it was discovered by Rafael Mechoulam, an Israeli scientist working with mice.
Since the U.S. government has declared cannabis to be a harmful, addictive substance, and severely penalized, even with death, it is one of the mysteries of the universe why evolution, indeed the very hand of God, would produce in the brain of human beings, the crown and glory of all creation, such a horrible chemical.
Scientists have now discovered the reason, as reported by Fay Flam of the Knight-Ridder Newspapers, on August 1, 2002, based on an article in the journal Nature. Again, because no U.S. scientist would dare to do this, it was this time left to the Germans, scientists in the Max Planck Institute of Psychiatry in Munich, where they have the Oktoberfest.
The experiment was very clever. Mice which were genetically engineered to not produce brainy cannabis kept reacting to a bell that was associated with a shock, while normal mice, who do produce brainy cannabis, eventually forgot about the shock or were able to adjust to it, and did not react to the bell. In effect, the brains of mice and men produce an antidote to trauma.
The function of brainy cannabis, known officially as "cannabinoids," is to wipe out or adjust to traumatic memories. Suppose you get knifed in the back, shot in the arm, pounded on the head, and forced to eat a lot of zucchini. This is a horrible experience you would rather forget. Why dredge up the past? Well, evolution has been very kind to us, or maybe God was, and created a genetic program in the brain to spew out cannabinoids to help us forget the whole thing! OK, not the whole thing, but a lot of the pain. Why suffer again and again? God is indeed merciful.
According to this leaked report, the U.S. government has been alarmed by this finding. There was a secret meeting in a secret location, perhaps in Bermuda. The President, Attorney General, and the Anti-Drug Czar were united in declaring a zero-tolerance war on brainy cannabis. The President has appointed a super-anti-cannabis Czar whose name was covered by the coffee stain I mentioned, but we can call him Captain Zertol. The program he will head is called the War on Users of Special Substances, or WUSS.
The credibility of the U.S. War on Cannabis is now in peril. Since the government declares cannabis to be a deadly, dangerous drug, suitable for the death penalty, how can it tolerate it being made naturally in the brain? Clearly, this calls for action. Captain Zertol has signed an executive order, under the powers delegated to him, to come up with a drug that will eliminate the production of brainy cannabis. Since U.S. scientists dare not get involved in such things, the project will be conducted by an German team of biologists using genetically engineered mice. A tiny swastika has been jokingly tattooed on the ears of the mice to identify them as part of the project in case they escape during the beer-drinking celebrations of Oktoberfest.
But the goal of project WUSS is deadly serious: there shall be and must be a drug that will be forcibly injected into all victims of trauma, whether this is due to an accident, shooting, or terrorist incident. This drug shall be called "Traumaxim." Trauma victims will be forced to recall and again feel their pain, contrary to the misguided intentions of God and nature. Indeed, a future terrorist attack could create mass trauma. WUSS has therefore been ordered to mass-produce Traumaxim once the chemical has been tested on the mice and some voluntary human subjects in a U.S. prison (they will volunteer, but will not be told what they are volunteering for).
If there is another terrorist attack, or a major catastrophe such as an earthquake, the government will rush in with Traumaxim and inject every person in the affected area. That will prevent their brains from producing cannabinoids. That will preserve the zero-tolerance policy of the government for cannabis and Marijuana. This will preserve a drug-free America!
As I said, this information is based on a leak, and it always possible that this was misinformation that the government planted to divert attention from some even worse project. However, I feel it is my duty as a writer to satirically report on all significant developments, even if they are a virtual mockery. We need the facts, even if extrapolated. You get the idea. It's a no-brainer!
Copyright 2002 by Fred E. Foldvary. All rights reserved. No part of this material may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, which includes but is not limited to facsimile transmission, photocopying, recording, rekeying, or using any information storage or retrieval system, without giving full credit to Fred Foldvary and The Progress Report.
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