When Pigs Fly

Clinton Good, Says Frankenmedia

by Adam Jon Monroe, Jr.

This week, the American public was treated to a heart-warming sound as our beloved Frankenmedia once again uttered its familiar message, an emphatic "Clinton Good."

The Creature's Body Parts
In an 800+ word document for Associated (with the Landlords) Press, Sandra Sobieraj manages to describe nearly every positive-seeming aspect of the Presidential announcement about his children (of landlords) assistance plan, mentioning bi-partisan several times, quoting him and supporters, even detailing the style and elegance of the event, without a hint of criticism. There's no query into the reason America requires the largest assistance program for children in the history of civilization (and that's relatively, as well as in absolute numbers), there's no curiosity about this particular choice of political action as opposed to others that might warrant some attention and worst of all, there's no mention of the fact that most of the poorest children in the U.S. will recieve no assistance whatsoever from this program. She mentions how many children will be 'eligible' and that most of the families which benefit from current such programs are welfare recipients, but it's common knowledge that most of the poorest families are not on welfare and don't file tax returns in the first place and will not be affected by this oh-so compassionate (seeming) legislative attempt. Sandra, you're in for a raise!

Tuesday, in another A.(W.T.L.)P. report, Terence Hunt gave account of the similar new executive proposal for expansion of Medicare. There is, at least, grudging mention of the fractional group of elderly that will recieve any help from such legislation and the fact that it would cost participants $400 a month, but our reporter is careful to frame the battle as a good cop/bad cop routine between the left and right, respectively, and apparently has no questions about why such legislation is necessary in the first place, why that need is increasing so rapidly or the fact that there are many other, simpler, less expensive, yet more helpful things the government could do to assist elderly Americans in need of health care, like remove the cap on the number of doctors allowed to receive licenses each year.

Meanwhile, Robert Pear had come up with a similar report for The New York (Landlord) Times, wherein he further describes the Republican 'bad cop' opposition to Clinton's Medicare package as 'that's-big-government' whining and the President fulfilling the sneaky version of his commitment to national health insurance, but the idea that it might be a little absurd for a capitalist nation to approve of such things is, I can only guess, some old, unresolved, mysterious, unexplainable question to which everyone should already know the answer.

Igor's Petting Zoo
It's as if we're so used to pigs flying, we've forgotten about the indescrepancy regarding the fact that they have no wings. We're like the frog which, because his heat is turned up so slowly, allows itself to be boiled to death, compared to the frog whose heat is turned up quickly and, recognizing the danger, wisely jumps out of the water to survive. It's a good thing our watch dog is looking out for us!

The Natives Aren't Restless
What would the American public do without the critical, penetrating analysis of the great American media establishment, which keeps us from being scammed by politicians who might trade policy for popularity? It would indeed be a frightening thing if politicians were at the mercy of the press for historical approval. Can you imagine the kind of world we would live in if politicians had to meet the approval of bank owners every time policy action were in order? Yes, that would be bad, but we trust the press to be objective in America. We trust it not to attempt to manipulate public opinion for the sake of its owners' financial concerns. We're certain journalists are rarely hired or promoted solely on the basis of their ability to echo the opinions of the owners of the establishments with which they are employed. We know that, like in the American education establishment, most personnel are concerned strictly with the empowerment of its consumers, for armed with the most accurate and objective analyses, Americans are able to know who and what they should support in order to fight back the ever encroaching decay of our civilization, which we all know, thanks to Frankenmedia, is the result of overpopulation and human nature.

Yes, we know exactly how to vote and who the good guys and bad guys are, which is the only reason despotism has not already destroyed our culture, environment and even our lives. It's a good thing we know that destructive tendencies are inherent in human nature and that a lack of space is to blame for all the poverty, war and pollution going on. It's a good thing we don't have some inaccurate view of reality in which we believe that shifting taxes onto the use of natural resources instead of on productive activity would equalize opportunity, discourage waste and reward productive activity -- because then we might actually try to shift taxes in such a way, causing irreparable harm to the land speculation industry, which we all know is the only reason we have this wonderful media establishment, to which we owe the accuracy and objectivity of our information and our subsequently incomparable degree of freedom (or, at least, that's what they tell us).